


12 + 1 Fireflies

by mushmin



Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Abstract, Angst, Gen, Military Service
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:08:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11750802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mushmin/pseuds/mushmin
Summary: Because thirteen was too many, and they couldn’t be bright and shine for the few seconds they were allowed every night.





	12 + 1 Fireflies

When it began, there were thirteen. Thirteen lightning bugs, clumped together, infinite and immortal in their own eyes. They lit up, and they sank into darkness, and they knew with absolute certainty they would all light up again. 

They were told there were too many of them, of course they were. But there couldn’t be a limit on misfits.

There were thirteen, and then there were twelve. Because thirteen was too many, and they couldn’t be bright and shine for the few seconds they were allowed every night. No, one night thirteen lights would have to blink out, and only twelve would be allowed to shine again. 

They stared at the body as if it was foreign, as if the morgue staff had somehow identified the corpse wrong and no, no this wasn’t Dongsung because it couldn’t be. Because Dongsung was supposed to be okay, he was supposed to serve his two years and come back just fine. Because front lines or not, hotzones regardless, Dongsung had given his word and that was worth more than all of that. 

Hyosang can remember sitting with his feet tucked under Dongsung’s covers, both of them reclined on his bed. He’d never decided to live with them, never decided to abandon his little apartment.  

“Two years is all, right? Just two years. Not a second longer, don’t you dare stay a second longer.” Hyosang knew he was begging, knew he was being annoying and repeating the same things but god, sue him, he needed to know. Needed to hear the words from Dongsung in that way of his, with that little lilt and that melody in every word that was so distinctly _Dongsung_. 

“All of you are so worried for nothing. It's just civil duty. Every Korean man does it. I promise I'll be back before you know I've left, and you'll see I'll be completely okay.” And then it was okay, because Dongsung had _promised_ it and that made it fact. 

It never occurred to Hyosang that perhaps Dongsung had known somehow, in that way he knew that Taeyang needed to take a break from practice or that Hansol needed a long hug, that he wouldn’t be around for long. Perhaps he had known it would end this way, and that’s why he’d never moved in, why he’d made his little apartment so impersonal and plain. Maybe Dongsung had known all along, and he’d taken every possible measure to make sure there would be no vacancy in their lives, that everything would run the way it would have before. Maybe, somehow, without any of the others noticing, Dongsung had painted himself as a frivolity in their lives.

Sehyuk and Dongsung had always had their moments, their personalities so different yet somehow, so alike. They’d always found solace in the other’s mind, even if it was a silent understanding. Sehyuk had known the possibilities for what it meant when Dongsung left, perhaps even before Dongsung had, had known that the little firefly that stayed a little to the left of the group but always _with them_ , could fall prey to the grasses that tickled them all. Sehyuk knew all this, but he prayed he was a pessimist with every letter, every reassuring correspondence. In time, he even started believing it.

How cruel fate was, to twist a knife in Sehyuk, make him believe he was wrong and they would be okay until the very end. 

How brutally the universe must be laughing now, as it takes Dongsung from them with only six days left to his service. 

How stupid Sehyuk was, to believe he could keep thirteen alight when he could barely see a reason to shine himself. 

When Jiho danced, Dongsung’s eyes were there, watching him. Jiho learned to expect it, to count on it as he counts on his own two feet to hit the ground when he jumps.

“Why do you watch me dance?” Jiho had asked, one particular day when the members had emptied and the two were the only ones left. 

“Because it’s beautiful.” Dongsung had said it so matter-of-factly, as if it was obvious. “Because you dance like you could take flight any moment.” 

“It’s hip hop.” Jiho had retorted. 

He smiled. “I know.” He’d said. “No matter how a fireflies fly people still watch them.”

Jiho didn’t know why that was all he could remember about his hyung when he left for the military, that when he searched his heart for memories to hold dear that was the one that flew to his fingertips, but he held to it and prayed that it wouldn’t leave him, prayed that it could watch him dance and tell him his worth in words he could genuinely believe. Somehow, Jiho had always known the inevitability of Dongsung’s departure, had known that he was too warm and too grounded to fly for long. He’d known it ever since Dongsung had whispered, “You dance like you can fly. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fly.” 

Dongsung would fall, and Jiho would fly, and Dongsung would watch. This, Jiho knew. 

It never occurred to Hyosang, sometimes occurred to Sehyuk, and was constantly occurring to Jiho that Dongsung would break his promise. That maybe, one day, his body would arrive on a plane from the border, missing limbs and too much blood and that smile that was always on his face. 

It never occurred to Hyosang until it was happening, until he saw the casket wrapped in a flag and felt his chest collapse and his knees give way. 

It was never confirmed to Sehyuk until he saw the emptiness in Dongsung’s eyes, and felt his own mind blank out in response. 

It never ceased to nag at Jiho until he ran his finger over the bloody stump where Dongsung’s left leg once was, and thought, _some parts of you were able to fly_.

Somehow, none of these notions managed to silence their tears, their wails in nights to come, their screams as they awaken and their sleepless nights spent curled into Dongsung’s white, impersonal sheets. 

There was never a more perfect vacancy than the one with no physical evidence. Never a more perfect scar than one that had never drawn blood.

The twelve of them proudly wore the scar Dongsung had left them, and bore his cruelty to refuse them anything more in memoriam. 

When they blinked out now, it took them just a few moments too long in the darkness to remember how to shine again.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me how you liked it! I've been trying out angst recently and I really need feedback on it.


End file.
